WHAT IS FAMILY VIOLENCE

Family violence affect everyone; rich, poor, blacks, whites, highly educated and the working class. It can happen between husband and wife, father to daughter, uncle to niece, sons to mother's brother to sister, grandfather to granddaughter and so on. It is important to note that interfamily violence between other members outside of the immediate family unit is more common in indigenous families, hence the change in terms family and domestic violence.
Family violence happens when someone in your family abuses you. This abuse can occur in many ways.

PHYSICAL - When you are beaten, bashed punched, kicked, burnt, bitten, have broken bones or are seriously injured in some other way. SEXUAL - When you are raped, that is forced into having sex against your will. Incest, when a member of the family has sex with you VERBAL - When you are called names like 'idiot' or 'stupid', 'fat' or 'ugly.' - When someone puts you down or makes you feel bad about yourself by something they say. MENTAL - When what someone in your family does or says makes, you feel bad, scared, degraded, guilty or ashamed. - They might play mind games, causing you stress or other emotional problems.

SOCIAL - When you are compared to others, for example, 'Why can't you be like that?' - When you are put down in front of others in your community. - When you are stopped from seeing your family and friends. - Sometimes you may not be allowed to look or speak to certain people. FINANCIAL - When the money you earn is taken from you and kept. - When money coming into the family to feed and clothe the kids or pay the bills is taken or spent, probably on grog or gambling, ect. - When someone in the family steals money or food from Elders, children or other family members because they have spent their money on grog or gambling, ect. - Financial blackmail, where women who have no income become financially reliant on their partner, often having to beg for money and account for it later.

FAMILY VIOLENCE IS ABOUT CONTROL, OR THE LACK OF IT, AND POWER.

THE CYCLE OF VIOLENCE

It is very important to understand that no matter how angry someone is towards you, it is never an excuse to be violent. Sometimes it is easy to believe it is your fault that someone in the family has hurt you. For example, if I had dinner on the table for him when he came home maybe he would not have to hit me. Or, if I had not looked at that man walking across the street maybe, he would not have shouted at me in front of everyone. This is a common mistake that women make, thinking it is some how their fault for the abuse.
When you are living in a violent situation, you start to suffer from low self-esteem (this means you think bad thought about yourself). The reason this starts to happen is because after sometime living in a violent situation, where someone is degrading you (putting you down or hurting you in other ways), you start to believe that maybe you are dumb, stupid or deserve to be abuse. THIS IS NEVER TRUE.
What is important to understand is that there are stages of abuse and it is like a cycle. Many studies by social workers, psychologists and health workers have been undertaken to identify why and how to break the cycle of violence.

Below is a pattern of the cycle of violence and you may be able to relate your experience to this cycle. Please note, all women's experiences of violence are different and unique, therefore the following list should be used as a guide only.

STAGE 1

The first stage is called 'build up' and it happens usually over an argument about something. For example, it could be about the rent or how your partner is spending too much money gambling or too much time at the pub. You both start to raise your voices as you try and tell him how unhappy you are about this. He may then start to call you names, or complain that you always nag him. It does not really matter what the argument is about; it is easy to see and feel the build up of anger occurring.

STAGE 2

In the second stage, your partner or family member may start to push you or start to smash things. He may use any of the types of violence described in the section "What is family violence". However, it is in this stage that the violent person loses control of their emotions and acts out toward you.

STAGE 3

This is the stage where the violent person feels bad about what they have done to you and ashamed of his behaviour. They may make promises such as 'it will never happen again' or 'if you didn't talk to me like that I wouldn't have to hit you'. It is in this stage and the next one that you may feel the most confused about how your feeling to what just happened.

STAGE 4

Stage four is called the honeymoon phase and it is usually during this time that everything goes back to normal, or is even better that it was just before the violent outburst. Your partner or family member may be especially nice to you and even change their ways for a while. For example, if you were telling your partner that you didn't like it when he went out with his friends all the time to the pub, he may stop going for a while. It is during this stage that the person with a problem of violence may become afraid of loosing you or you calling the police ect.
It is during this stage that a woman usually becomes the most confused as I stated above. There are many reasons for this confusion. Look at the list below and see if any of these statements seem familiar to you. More importantly, do no worry if your partner or family member uses other statements other than these, as all situations are unique as stated above. The below list is only used as a guild to illustrate the cycle of violence.

1. I am sorry for the pain I caused you, I beg you please don't leave me.
2. It will never happen again.
3. If you leave me, I will kill myself.
4. I could never love anyone as much as you.
5. Please don't throw away all the years or the love we have for each other.
6. I am ashamed of myself.
7. I only did what I did because I love you too much.
8. I will change, I know I can.
9. It was because I was drunk that I hit you.
10. You will tear our family apart if you leave.
11. Don't you love me the way I love you.
12. I can't help but hit you because you don't do what I ask.
13. If only you didn't nag me, I would never hurt you, so please try harder.
14. My family hit each other and they're still together.
15. Why can't you understand it's the pressure I'm under, that is why I do what I do.

THE ABOVE STATEMENTS IS ONE KIND OF PERSUASION A PARTNER MAY USE TO KEEP YOU FROM LEAVING. ALTHOUGH, HE MAY USE ANOTHER FORM, WHICH IS TO THREATEN YOU.

1. If you leave I will find you and kill you.
2. If you leave me I will take the children and you will never see them again
3. If you leave me I will hurt your family.
4. If you leave me, I will tell people that you were sleeping around on me.
5. If you leave me I will make your life hell and follow you everywhere.
6. If you leave me, I will never take you back again.
7. If you leave me don't think I will pay child support
8. If you leave you will never find anyone else, as I'm the only one good enough to put up with you.
9. If you leave, don't think I will let you take one thing from this house.

The list goes on and is unique to everyone situation. I have assumed that these types of comments are from a husband/defacto husband or a boyfriend, although they maybe made by anyone within the family. It is important to note that abuse by a parent or sexual abuse may still follow the same type of cycle, but the statements would probably be different in nature.

As you read the lists, it becomes clear why you would be confused scared or suffering low self-esteem. For example, lets examine statement seven from the above list "I only did what I did because I love you too much" to illustrate why and how you may feel confused. Firstly, within this statement the person who has hurt you is trying to blame you for their actions. Secondly, at the same time this is occurring, he is paying you compliment, in that he says he loves you. Thirdly, your partner very well might believe that this is in fact the truth. Because your partner might think this is in fact the truth from his perception of the events, his body language, facial expressions may appear sincere. Psychologists estimate it that our brain perceives body language above what is being heard. Therefore, is it any wonder that this scenario would cause you to feel confused? Basically, you pick up mixed messages and your emotions are all over the place.

Lets take another example "my family hit each other and they're still together" to illustrate just what is happening in the cycle of violence. Again, if we examine what is being said more deeply, a statement such as this would cause mixed emotions for varies reasons. Firstly, your partner maybe in fact being sincere with his comment, in that his family did hit each other and no one left that partnership. We become socialised when we are young and believe what we experienced is the norm. By this statement, I am referring to the way we grow up in our childhood's often reflects in the way we see the world later in life. Furthermore, you may have also experienced violence in your own family as a child and think that something is wrong with you if you do complain or leave. You may also come to think that this behaviour is a normal way of life. Although, emotions will usually guild your gut feelings, in that we know being abused, hurt or put down is wrong.

 

HOW DO YOU STOP THE CYCLE OF VIOLENCE?

Unfortunately, when women are in the mist of a violence situation, is can be hard to see that you are in fact caught up in the cycle of violence and it can become trans-generational. Transgenerational, means that the cycle of violence can and sometimes does get pasted down from parents to children, children to grandchildren and so on, unless help is sort to finally break the cycle.

The cycle can be broken if all in a community stop accepting violence and rather educate themselves and seek assistance. Assistance is available through many agencies, such as Elizabeth Hoffman House's. These agencies are sensitive to the plight of the indigenous community and will help you to understand that that you are not alone. For further information, go to the directory list, which can be found by pushing the button

 

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Historical Facts on Family Violence
Myths and Facts on Family Violence

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